Archive for the ‘Stimulus Space Response’ Category

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by @anarchyroll

I have been journaling and setting goals for years. Usually journaling to help clear my mind and goal setting to focus it.

I usually don’t put much thought into the style and/or organization of my journaling and goal setting. I kept my goals in my head for the most part until a few years ago when I lost sight of who I was, where I was, and where I was going in life.

I was happy to discover that after writing my long-term goals and my goals for what would allow me to die a happy man; that I had never actually lost sight of the goals, I had just allowed myself to be shamed and discouraged by various people in my life into thinking my goals were unrealistic and non respectable.

Journaling helped me see that although I had a long way to go to achieve my goals, it didn’t matter what others thought of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. What mattered was my own piece of mind. Journaling helped me see that I had veered very far off course and had dug a very deep hole for myself. Goal setting helped me lay out a tangible and realistic plan and path out of the hole and back onto the right path.

My journaling process recently evolved for the sake of organization and archive accessibility which I’ll write about later. It was something I had thought about doing and had half heartedly done with various smart phone apps, notes, etc. But my goal setting process never really changed. I wrote out my long-term goals. Broke them down into smaller pieces to be achievable in the medium, short, and immediate terms. Occasionally, through meditation I would review them to make sure they were the things in life I wanted to pursue.

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Then within two weeks by two different people I was turned onto the concept of daily goal writing. First by my bereavement counselor Frank who proposed daily goal setting as well as using the S.M.A.R.T Goals model. Then about a week later, during my lunch break, I was listening to a podcast by Brendon Burchard that was almost completely dedicated to daily goal writing.

Physically writing out the goals is key, not just typing it out on laptop keyboard or digital keyboard on a smart phone.

At first I was just writing my base goals over and over, day after day. Then I started including some of my smaller day-to-day goals. Then I started using different wording to describe the goals. Then I started incorporating medium term goals. Then I incorporated stuff I wanted to buy followed by budgeting/saving plans. Then I started getting extra specific with how I wanted to achieve the goals and so on and so on.

As a writer this helps me a lot by getting me writing regardless of my mood or time constraints. But even people who aren’t writers, don’t like writing, and don’t care about writers or writing can and will benefit from daily goal writing. Why? Because daily writing will get you thinking about your goals and will keep the goals in the front of your mind because you are revisiting them every day by rewriting them everyday.

There’s something about physically writing something.

When you write the goal and see it written down it gives you perspective one where you are currently on your path to achieving the goal. This will get you both consciously and unconsciously thinking about the goal(s). More often than not the goal will be too generic and obscure so over time you’ll naturally;

  • Specify how you want to achieve the goal(s)
  • Put a more concrete time frame on achieving the goal(s)
  • Revisit why the goal is important to you (and if it still is)
  • Write and revise action steps to tangibly achieve the goal(s) step by step
  • Discover new goals you want to achieve
  • Realize if you are living your life in a way that lends itself to achieving your goal(s)

Daily goal writing dissolves the pie in the sky paradigm of goal setting. Putting the goal down on paper everyday rain or shine, changes the very nature of how you view and go about trying to achieve your goal(s).

This act has had subtle and noticeable changes in my life already.

  1. I’m finding it easier to focus and prioritize/schedule my time.
  2. I’m looking at how I spend my time when I’m not working my day job.
  3. I’m questioning my day job.
  4. I’m incorporating the goals into my meditation sessions by making sure to do success visualizations in addition to my usual meditation regiment.

Everyone is different and we all have different goals for different reasons. My goals are going to be different from the people reading this blog as they are different from my close friends and family. But like there are universal principles to live by, there are also actions that are universally considered helpful in life. Writing/journaling is one of them.

The most successful people in the history of the world have kept a journal of some sort which helped them achieve their goals of being successful and therefore remembered forever. One’s definition of success may not be to be remembered forever in books and tales, but anyone can benefit from using the lessons of the successful people who have come before us in doing the simple and easy things that build a successful life.

Daily journal writing is one, goal setting is another. The two make a natural combination. I hope combing the two helps you as much and more than it helps me.

 

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by @anarchyroll

My mother died recently. She suffered a lot towards the end. I supposed we should have seen the end coming. But denial is as strong as it is covert.

My mother went from doing well, to okay, to in the hospital a couple of times in a couple of weeks, to on her deathbed in hospice, all very quickly.

We were told we had weeks. She was dead within three days of being told that.

There were a lot of things that caught me off guard during that time. Being financially unable to fufill her burial wishes certainly comes to mind. Not being able to cry after her terminal diagnosis  because of all the nurses coming in and out of the room in the immediate aftermath. Not being prepared to stay overnight in the hospital, before she got moved to hospice.

I learned what it meant to feel fried. I felt fried. My emotional power chords all were short circuited and fried.

As they progressively gave my mother more and more morphine during what turned into the final days of her life, I was most unprepared by how little I could think of to say to her.

I cried as I apologized to her for not knowing what to say. A fever induced trip to the emergency room a few years ago has left me a cognitive shadow of the man I was and was becoming. I’m slower, duller, quieter, sadder, and less charasmatic, empathic, and bold than I was.

When my mother wanted nothing more from me but to talk, I could not access the part of my mind that facilitates basic communication skills. That sums up a good portion of the past four years of my life.

I cried and told her how scared I was that I would never be same again, as she lay there on her deathbed, she offered me nothing but love, understanding, compassion, and empathy. In that moment she cared more about the worry of her son, than the fact that she was dying.

That is a mother’s love.

She died two days later, two weeks less than what we were told. As the grieving process started, I was shocked to my core how…prepared I was.

I felt more normal than different. Why? Because I’ve been battling depression since I was 14 years old.

All the steps of grief I was experiencing in textbook fashion, overlapped into the overly familiar territory with living and battling depression for so many years. Disconnect, disinterest, melancholy, disbelief, disappointment on a recurring loop. To have a stretch of time without, an exception as opposed to the rule.

I was so taken aback that I was able to stop denial across the board in my life.

Depression, failure to launch, thinning hair, maturity, grit, responsibility, and discipline issues that I had read and thought about, but failed to take consistent action on.

The death of a loved one forces introspection. It makes mandatory the conversations with oneself that were prior pushed down the road. Death is the end of the road.

I was unprepared for my mother’s death. I was also unprepared to live my own life. Unwilling or unable to do the work, my life’s work, on a day in day out, week in week out, month in month out, year in year out basis. Unwilling or unable to face the ups and downs, highs and lows, sacrifices and successes of adult life after divorce and depression robbed me of half of my youth.

Is there where an affirmation and promise of future success goes?

One thing that depression and grief has taught me is that actions speak so loud, words can’t be heard.

I have dug quite the hole. There must be many private victories before the public victories are worth sharing.

As I move farther along through the grieving process, the similarities and differences between grief and depression manifest and become more obvious. One difference for me became obvious the moment I saw my mother’s dead body when I ran to her room in the hospice facility. It was a difference I whispered to her over and over again while weeping after my sister gave me a few minutes alone with her.

Depression created a thought loop and therefore a feeling of hopelessness. A constant inner monolgue that it was not worth it to try.

The grief I immediately felt upon seeing my dead mother inspired five words to repeat in my head, that I vocalized and whispered over and over with the last moments I had with my mother in the physical world…

I Will Never Give Up

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By @anarchyroll
11/9/15

I have been meditating for around six years now. The total time spent meditating is much lower than that number would make it seem. I like many caucasian Americans who start meditating, have had long gaps between meditation sessions.

This calendar year of 2015 has by far been my best year practicing meditation thanks to the Calm.com smartphone app. I recommend that app passionately to all novice and intermediate meditation practicioners.

This year, as of this writing, I have logged 44 hours and 44 minutes of meditation using the Calm app to guide my meditation practices. I most often use it when I wake up in the morning, during my lunch break at work, before I go out to a social establishment, and/or before I go to sleep.

On Halloween this year I worked until the early evening, went to a Party City and bought $25 of zombie make up, went home to eat, meditate, and go out for the night. Halloween has turned into an adult holiday in the last decade, it is one of the few days a year where it is better to be single. I was looking forward to going out to play.

I started a standard, guided mediation, with a slightly more than average emphasis on deep breathing. As the meditation was progressing, I quickly felt something quite different.

Adrenaline rushes, endorphin release, oxytocin spikes, are events most people are familiar with. It is why we watch scary movies, skydive, prefer rough sex, do drugs, eat junkfood, drink booze, exercise intensely, etc. That feeling that starts in the head and quickly rushes through the entire body giving us simultaneously the internal and external feelings of what we know deep down is what it REALLY feels like to be alive.

This feeling often comes in short, sporadic bursts. We chase after the feeling in our own individual ways. Those who let the chase interfere with or confuse it with their purpose in life are often designated as addicts.

Before I started what I thought would be a standard pre sarge meditation I took a round of mood support supplements. 5 HTP, Theanine, and Inositol each in capsule form. A combination I had taken dozens if not hundreds of times before in an attempt to balance my neurotransmitters and the moods, emotions, and thoughts tied to them.

I turned off the lights, opened the app, and within three minutes of a five minuted guided session, I was experiencing a full body endorphin and adrenaline rush that I was able to induce and control based upon my breath.

I thought it would end quickly, maybe as soon as the guided session’s gong tolled. But it didn’t, it kept going as if I had a bomb trigger in my hand and taking a deep breath was pressing the button. Attaching positive thoughts, affirmations, and memories to the breath made the rush exponentially more intense and orgasmic.

I kept thinking of how to describe this event. It was not an endorphin rush, it was a flood. It wasn’t stopping.

When I would ask myself through my inner monologue or out loud how I felt I could only come up with the words; euphoria, ecstacy, the term heaven on earth, and of course happiness and gratitude.

I did not experience halluciations, I never felt out of control.

I felt pure love, peace, and joy. As if my inner child came out to play after years of hiding under layers of depression, burnout, and fear.

Goosebumps covered my arms, legs, hands, feet, back and head.

I decided to not go out until the experience subsided. I figured, even if were to go out and get a tremendous alcohol induced buzz followed by great sex with a woman or women I met; I could only equal the feeling I was experiencing in those moments. Plus I figured, how much longer could this endorphin flood last? I could let it run it’s course, put on my zombie make up, head out, and still try to have as much adult fun as the law would allow.

Four hours later, I was exhausted from the euphoria. I’m sure anyone reading this who goes to summer music festivals can relate.

I did not want to experience to end but I was very tired, and if anything, was excited to see if the experience would carry over into my dreams. It didn’t, but the entire next day I would get mini rushes or spikes at the more common length of a few seconds to a minute or so.

What did I experience exactly? Did the supplements play a factor? Did I reach some level of meditation mastery? Did someone slip something into my afternoon protein shake? Was I asleep? Had I slept?

All I know is that I know nothing and that I am happy and grateful for the experience that happened through me as much or more than it happened to me.

A stone cold sober ecstacy trip is not an every day occurence…..yet. Gotta have goals to chase after all.

I was certainly touched deeply by the experience. Since that night my bad moods have been shorter, my good moods longer, my productivity is up, procrastination is down. My sleep has been better and just as important, I have been more aware while awake.

A turning point? A reference point? A tipping point?

Is there a point?

Yeah, meditation is awesome. It has saved my life. It has improved my life. Every time I practice it teaches me more about myself, life, and the universe.

Maybe I was being rewarded for my practice.

Maybe I was given a glimpse of things to come.

Or maybe the chemicals and neurotransmitters in my brain just coincidentally aligned and fired off a once in a lifetime mental fireworks show marathon.

It passed, as everything does.

And I am happy and grateful.

Namaste

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By @anarchyroll
10/26/15

Freedom, an innate human desire.

Wars are fought both internally and externally for it.

People die for freedom

Others die to be free

Some people have chains on their wrists and on their ankles

Some have chains in their minds and hearts

But whether trying to exercise demons or remove shackles of tyranny

It is only organization and structure through which freedom is accomplished

To find freedom any other way is fleeting at best

And most quickly faded

Uniting with others to create strength externally

Forcing forward focus internally

There is no other way

To say there is is to lie

Unless your only definition of freedom

Is to be alone when you die

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10/21/2014

The paradigm of physical exercise is false. There is no such thing as just exercising the body. The mind, heart, and spirit are always worked out and remolded just like biceps and abdominals.

When the Centers for Disease Control is listing the mental benefits of physical fitness, then there is more to the topic than just a series of rah-rah, feel good statements and slogans.

In America, where there is an obesity epidemic, any excuse to exercise is a good excuse. Pushing the limits of one’s physical fitness is hard, very hard, if it wasn’t then more people would do it. It should come as no surprise that those who battle depression also are less physically active than the average person.

Working out really is hard. Fitness models, bodybuilders, athletes, and supplement salespeople would love it if you believed that you are just an unmotivated sloth. But, show me an insanely fit man or woman and I’ll show you a person who is dependent on supplements like a crack addict. To work out completely naturally, with nothing but water, food, and sleep is a difficult proposition. Add a full time job it’s that much harder. Add in family, friends, hobbies, and the human condition and it is no wonder that the entire developed world isn’t dealing with an obesity epidemic.

The sick joke is that fitness inspiration through imagery of unrealistically, aesthetically in shape men and women can have an inverse effect on the desire to even get started. After all, how much time, effort, energy, money, ambition, and sacrifice is going to be required to become as fit as those Instagram fitness celebrities?

This is where a paradigm shift is required. Paradigm shifts take as much time, energy, and effort as all the crunches and clean eating required to get a ripped 6-8 pack. BUT, a paradigm shift can be as simple as seeing something differently and taking action differently based upon a different vision/way of thinking. The paradigm shift in this case is to see exercise as not just exercise for the body, but as exercise for the heart, mind, and spirit as well. A way of becoming more fit as a whole person. Not just as an aesthetically pleasing narcissist. But to be healthy, literally from the inside out.

Anxiety and depression are the thick thieves of living life. I can attest that from experience. If doing some push ups, squats, crunches, weight lifting, yoga, jumping jacks, and jogging can do it’s part to combat these twin towers of terror in daily living, why not? It’s cheaper than a Prozac prescription. But self-mastery is hard, and that’s what we’re talking about when we’re talking about the need to exercise for the benefit of mental health.

Self mastery is hard, very hard. If it were easy then everybody would do it.

I can’t pretend to have all the answers. I can only speak to what effect physical exercise had on me while I was in the throes of my depression as an adolescent. I used exercise as a distraction. I used it as an excuse to not deal with my larger, more encompassing mental/emotional problems and disorders. I would go to the gym after detention during my high school years. Rather than seeking advice from educated, trained personnel I would pump iron and run laps. As time went on I found yoga and meditation.

Lifting weights, doing cardio, practicing yoga, and meditation were/are all wonderfully helpful distractions from “getting help”. But any singular or combination is infinitely better than watching television, surfing the internet, spacing out, laying in bed awake, remembering past negative events, and/or imagining future confrontational events; all of which I am guilty of doing repeatedly if not habitually.

We are all flawed beings. We all seek to be perfect, if not at least better. We’re all doing our best, even if our best is not good enough. If physical exercise can improve our mind and our spirit, then why not set aside ten minutes, to a half hour a day a few times a week to becoming more whole and making a good faith effort to fill the hole in our soul?

The effort required to expand my comfort zone to putting the effort in there, fuels my effort to expand it elsewhere, and I hope it does for you too…