“To judge another is to judge oneself.” — Wayne Dyer
One of the things we all have in common is that we are constantly judging. We judge ourselves. We judge other people. We judge our environment. We judge our past. We judge our potential future. We judge our actions. We judge our bodies. We judge our minds. We judge our failures. We judge our successes. We judge effort. We judge results. We judge our intentions.
We judge what has happened, what could have happened, what is happening, what we think will happen, what we think should happen. We judge. It’s hard-wired into us as a species. It’s part of why we have survived. However, we continue to learn that so much of how we have been hard-wired to survive and thrive in the past, is hindering us with hidden suffering in the modern world.
“Most of our unhappiness comes from our own thoughts, not from our circumstances.” — Dalai Lama
Hard-wired is a very fitting term for our unconscious habit of constantly judging ourselves and others. Many days, if not most days, in any situation regardless of the perception of positive or negative, we instantly, without knowing or choosing, slip into a state of judging. We all do it. It’s not a one-time occurrence and isn’t a one-time fix to stop doing it. That’s the thing with habits. For better and for worse, we do them automatically.
Why do we constantly, unconsciously judge ourselves and others? Why is it hard-wired into us? Like so many things that cause problems for humans in the modern world, our brains haven’t evolved much since we were cavemen. Our judging helped us survive as hunter-gatherers outside of our tribe(s) and helped us to build communities within our tribe(s).
“True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It is remembering that everyone deserves compassion.” — Jack Kornfield
Our brains are hard-wired for quick categorization and evaluation. This is more commonly known as the fight or flight (or freeze) response. Fight or flight response can wreak havoc on our lives by creating an unreasonable internal reaction to a reasonable external situation. It has for me and likely has for you as well. Our unreasonable internal reaction is a cognitive bias shaped by our past. When fight or flight kicks in, we aren’t actually reacting or interacting with the present moment, we are having a trauma response and are reacting to the past in the present.
Living in the past and reacting to the past in the present is the opposite of positive, productive, or beneficial. Yet that is our default way of thinking, perceiving, and living. We have to be made aware of it and then taught a better way, then practice that way consistently until it is habitualized. That seems more valuable to me than learning algebra or the periodic table, but oh, there I go judging again.
With evolutionary roots and psychological purpose, how can judging be so detrimental to us? Well, it’s not judging itself that’s bad, it’s negative judgments that are severely counterproductive. Negative judgments about ourselves are a straight path to low self-esteem. Negative judgments about others create social barriers and kill the potential to develop empathy. Positive judgments are helpful and constructive but take a look around, does it look like the world has a surplus of positive judgment going on?
Mindfulness and meditation practices have been life savers for me. I have been my own worst critic for my entire life. Negative self-talk was a big problem for me for a very long time. Guided meditation practices (specifically from the Calm app) helped introduce me to mindfulness in short, simple, easy-to-do ways. Reading and studying Stoic philosophy and spirituality teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, and Alan Watts helped me change my paradigm and perception of life.
“Let go of the need to always be right.” — Eckhart Tolle
Paradigms shift slowly. It has taken a long time and is an ongoing practice to be a true friend to myself instead of a critic. Just this year I emphasized and have seen success in shifting my self-talk to that of a friend. Referring to myself as a “friend” internally has been very beneficial because doing so defaults to self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
Compassion for ourselves and empathy for others are mandatory for trying to turn the rutter of our unconscious habit of negative judging. Rutters don’t do quick, sharp turns. It’s slow moving heavy mass. But even a slight change can chart a whole new course if one persists. That’s how change works in life.
Choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative. Choose curiosity instead of criticism. Not once or twice. Not only out in the light of the public eye. But again and again when we are alone in the dark. That’s the real test. That’s when our habits are made. That’s when we’re living. That’s when we’re choosing who we are, by what we do, for better and for worse.
“To understand everything is to forgive everything.” — Alexander Pope
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