Posts Tagged ‘this happened to me’

Reach Out, Rise Up: The Power of Asking for Help

Posted: July 25, 2024 in Stimulus Space Response
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It can be so hard to ask for help. In real life, not in terms of asking people to like, subscribe, and turn on notifications.  

To need help is like the Big Bad Wolf blowing down a house made of straw. Knowing that one needs help is like blowing down a house made of wood. To ask for help, to be vulnerable, and to reveal our internal shortcomings to the external world; can be like trying to blow down a house made of bricks. 

Although I (like all other living things) have needed lots of help at various points in my life, I have been unwilling to ask for help more often than not. There’s an internal assumption that I should be able to pick myself up by my bootstraps, put my nose to the grindstone, be a man, and do it myself. There is also societal pressure that lionizes this kind of thinking. 

We think to ask for help is to be and to admit weakness.

It’s one thing if we know internally we are weak, but to admit it outwardly by asking for help? I for one have chosen many times to suffer in silence and isolation than to have to admit to myself or others that I am an imperfect being. 

The terms self-improvement, personal development, and self-help naturally mean that we should be able to help ourselves. Reading books, watching videos, taking courses, and attending events with these labels can lead one to believe that we can, should, and will solve all problems, obstacles, or issues by ourselves. 

Listening to self-help audiobooks during my commutes led me to study spirituality and philosophy. Philosophy and spirituality often intertwine and one can be confused for the other. I’ve found that viewing all philosophical and spiritual teachings through the lens of humanism helps me apply the lessons to my life without adhering to or being attached to any kind of potential religious or metaphysical doctrines. 

“We must help one another, and among those who are willing to be helped, are those who must be instructed.” – Epictetus 

Stoicism views asking for help as a sign of wisdom, that you understand what is within your control and what is not. When you reach your perceived limit of what you can control and need help, it is the wise and the correct thing to do to ask for help. 

“Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you are wounded and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help? So what?” – Marcus Aurelius 

The concept that it is not just the right thing to do to ask for help, but it is our job as a human being to ask for help helped me out a lot. Stoicism pushes the concept that we as human beings have to purpose to fulfill while we are alive, a service to provide to the world and our fellow man. A purpose beyond survival or making and spending money? Sign me up. If asking for help is a part of that, consider it done. 

“A giver of gifts is the one who advises, a giver of gifts is the one who shares knowledge, a giver of gifts is the one who points out faults. He who does all these to a friend is a giver of gifts.” – The Dhammapada (Buddhist text)

Spiritual philosophies that I’ve studied tend to focus on the internal, the individual, and the immaterial. However many spiritual teachings do emphasize compassion and our interdependence with our environment and other living beings. This has been a big help to me, as a person who was more of an antisocial loner type for many years but kept finding that way of living; limiting and directly hindering my happiness, fulfillment, and ability to achieve my goals. 

“He who walks alone walks in vain.” – Guru Nanak (Sikhism founder)

Studying spirituality coupled with a meditation practice has helped to dissolve the inner walls I had built up that detrimentally separated me from the world. Those metaphorical walls are built by and with the ego. It is selfish and ego-centered to think we can accomplish anything of substance alone, that we don’t need help, or that to ask for help is to admit weakness. Our ego convinces us that we are so special and superior to not need help and that asking for help is a bad thing.

“All beings are afraid of pain. All beings love life. All beings are the same as you are. Remember this always.” – Buddha

Ultimately, the decision to ask for help is a personal one. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to let go of the ego. By understanding the philosophical and spiritual underpinnings of interdependence and compassion, we can begin to dismantle the barriers that prevent us from seeking support. Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our strength and humanity.

Let’s embrace the idea that we are interconnected, so we can begin to break down the walls of isolation and create a more supportive environment for ourselves and others. By acknowledging our interdependence and embracing the courage to ask for help, we can unlock new possibilities for personal growth and happiness.

Through our choices, we can challenge detrimental societal norms. Together, we can create a culture where asking for help is seen as a strength, not a weakness.

Patience ☯ Action: A Dance, not a Duel

Posted: July 17, 2024 in Stimulus Space Response
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When should I be patient and when should I take action?

This can be a tough question for anyone at any level in life. I know it has been for me, at every stage of my life up to this point. I remember thinking that epiphanies brought about by consuming and then applying knowledge would be a permanent solution to this puzzle.

I suppose I’m old enough to possess the wisdom through experience to know that there is no such epiphany. I’ve had epiphanies. Did they create permanent change? No. Nothing does. Habitualized action creates permanent change. Anything else is snake oil.

“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” – Leo Tolstoy

Patience and action are practical examples and applications of yin and yang. Buddhist philosophy has been a big help for me in taking the pressure off of the choice between patience and proactivity.

Because it is natural to worry about being too patient just as it is normal to worry about taking too much action. Bringing mindfulness into my life helped to relieve some of the pressure that modern life puts on us to always be doing something exciting and interesting while simultaneously always relaxing in an exotic location vacation. And of course, making sure to document anything and everything one does in HD 4K photo and video, posted and reposted in portrait and landscape mode.

After suffering textbook burnout multiple times in my life, I overcalibrated towards patience. Buddhism, Taoism, and other spiritual philosophies that I studied lent themselves to patience and non-doing, which I felt I desperately needed at the time. Stoicism helped steer me back towards proactivity.

“Action without vision is blind; vision without action is just a dream.” – Nelson Mandela

I have found that Stoicism pairs well with Buddhism and Taoism. I would counsel people to consume all three in equal proportion. Stoicism helped teach me to take action and to do so boldly and consistently AND THEN to let go from there.

Detach from the outcome. Let go of how the action is received and perceived. 

That last part is a major missing piece from the good advice I received my entire life and hear/see being given to people these days by well-meaning folks. My experience has taught me that the majority of people are heavily tied up in the outcome of their actions. Not just entangled, but almost completely identified with their actions. 

That is also totally normal and natural. Aren’t we taught to believe that we are the result of our actions? Even if we aren’t taught that, isn’t there a consensus that a person’s identity is what they do? This is where spiritual philosophies and spiritual teachings fill in the hole I and many people feel inside of us when we’ve lived a life identified externally.

The teachings of Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, and others provide empathy and compassion for myself and others in place of the default of judgment. The judgment of the patience, the judgment of the action, and the judgment of the results. Replacing all that judgment requires teaching and training because we live in a society that encourages and rewards judgment. 

Traditionally we have been our own worst critic. The modern era of the comment section has put negative judgment on steroids and placed it into a weapon of mass destruction with unlimited ammo.

“Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.” Mohsin Hamid

The scales of balancing patience and action are properly weighted with studying philosophy and spirituality.

Studying and applying the knowledge of these disciplines also helps to put an immeasurable, immaterial, internal balance on the scale in our very measurable, material, externally focused world. 

Before them, I was lost. I may not yet be found but I know I am at least on a path rather than walking alone and confused in the dark. 

The Seriousness Trap

Posted: July 16, 2024 in Stimulus Space Response
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“Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun. We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own.” – Alan Watts

It is a lovely experience whenever I meet someone who hasn’t been conditioned to take everything and everyone so seriously. Do you know the type of person I’m talking about? Do you currently know people like that? Or do you have to access memories to think of that type of person?

It seems like more and more often I meet people who don’t have a sense of humor and who take everything and everyone as seriously as serious can. I know I fall into that trap as well, often in social situations. So I have empathy for the serious ones. I have been a very serious person for a good portion of my life and it was almost the death of me.

More than journaling or meditation, studying spirituality (starting at the peak of my agnostic/atheist phase) has helped me to lighten up and become more in touch and tune with the playful side of existence. First coming across, then diving right into the teachings of Wayne Dyer, Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle, and Ram Dass introduced me to different perspectives that I desperately needed at the time and still need now in decisive moments and times of stress. 

I sometimes wonder if simply getting older would have made me take things less seriously. But then all I have to do is turn on the news during an election cycle in America and see how the masses drive themselves crazy taking themselves so seriously. Tens of millions of people have fallen into a “seriousness trap”.

We can fall into a “seriousness trap” by pledging allegiance to a political party, viewing it as a tribe destined to rule. This imbues the thoughts, opinions, and actions of not only the politicians but also their loyal followers (and even their enemies) with an inflated sense of immediate importance.

I used to be politically focused. I wanted to be a journalist so following politics was not optional for that desired career. Then, I dove deep into American economic history. The dispiriting realities of capitalism over the past century weren’t exactly inspiring. This, however, became a catalyst for my spiritual awakening. Two key takeaways from that part of my journey: the power of letting go and the joy of embracing life’s playful side.

“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment” – Horace

These aren’t just personal philosophies; they’re tools anyone can use. Regardless of background or beliefs, we can all benefit from loosening our grip and rediscovering the inherent fun of existence. Engaging in guided meditations and studying some of the spirituality teachers I’ve listed above are great places to begin your paradigm shift(s).

Awareness is the Way Out of the Prison of Egocentric Judgment

Posted: July 6, 2024 in Stimulus Space Response
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We think without realizing we’re thinking and we judge without realizing we’re judging.

It’s hardwired into us, as a survival mechanism. Like the majority of survival mechanisms that are hardwired into us thanks to evolution, our constant judging of the people, places, things, and situations around us serves as a detriment more than a benefit in the modern world.

For years, I’ve immersed myself in philosophy and spirituality, and my meditation practice goes back even further. Yet, day to day, I find myself falling back into egocentric judgment. It’s like an unconscious default – I judge myself and others harshly. I’m sure I’m not alone in this experience. It’s frustrating to dedicate so much time and effort to cultivating awareness and non-judgment, only to find myself slipping back into negativity.

Building awareness and staying non-judgmental is a never-ending process.

It’s kind of like meditation – you have to keep catching yourself when your mind wanders and bring it back to the present moment. Self-improvement and personal development are lifelong journeys, much like maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Despite years of studying great thinkers, my ego persists. I wonder if it will ever fully disappear, or if consistent awareness is the key to minimizing its influence.

Eckhart Tolle is quick to remind everyone that the world is not here to make our life easy, it is here to awaken us through challenges.

Awareness is the way out but it doesn’t do the work for us. No one else does. Nothing else will. 

I would love to think that I have been challenged and humbled by the universe thoroughly enough to be as detached from my ego as any living person. But I’m swimming against the tide in the quest to be detached from the ego. Another thing I need to be aware of consistently. 

Perhaps this is my spiritual practice. Tolle talks about what challenges us most is our spiritual practice. I suppose in that case I have a baker’s dozen worth of spiritual practices. 

Ryan Holiday has built a literary empire by reminding people that Ego is the Enemy.

I do know that negatively judging myself and others doesn’t help me at all. I’ve learned that through a good chunk of life experience. I was very much the cynical, sarcastic type for the majority of my youth and early adulthood. Sure the one-liners were occasionally a hit in bars, at parties, and on dates but eventually the barrel to shoot vitriol always ended up getting aimed at myself and those I cared about the most.

Over-calibrating to being a toxically positive patsy wasn’t the answer either.

One of the pragmatic benefits of studying and applying philosophy studies and spirituality practice is helping one find a middle ground. Being aware enough to detach from pride/ego even temporarily in the service of goal. 

Becoming aware enough to realize when I’m negatively judging is a recurring gift of meditation for me.

Studying the wisdom of some of the greatest thinkers in human history to guide my actions when I’m consciously aware is a recurring gift of philosophy study. Together they make existence a little simpler, a little easier, a little smoother, a little clearer. The more life experience I accrue the more I know that all of those little benefits are worth their weight in gold.

Overcoming ego is a lifelong journey

The small victories of self-awareness are the milestones that keep us motivated. Keep practicing mindfulness and cultivating awareness in your daily life. You’ll be amazed by the positive changes you experience, and how much easier it becomes to navigate the challenges that inevitably arise.

Busyness ∞ Escapism is a Trap

Posted: June 5, 2024 in Stimulus Space Response
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Busyness to escapism is a vicious circle and a trap. 

Either can be confused with purpose which is dangerous. Put together, they’re deadly for one’s spirit and steroids for one’s ego. 

Busyness is not productivity or discipline it is avoidance and anxiety put into physical action. Keep busy to avoid _______________.

Stay busy long enough and you need an escape. A treat. A vacation. Some me time. Some self-care. Candy, carbs, social media scrolling, video games, sex, drugs, binge-watching, a drink, a smoke, a weekend getaway, and so on. It’s all the same. 

I’m burned out from being busy but I still need to avoid __________________ so I need to take/do my favorite ____________ so I can feel ______________.

 

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” – Blaise Pascal

A meditation and journaling practice are the simple answers here. Getting one’s thoughts out of their head by writing them onto paper, helps to clear the mind for a meditation practice to help detach and observe one’s thoughts mindfully while focusing on an anchor like one’s breath or body. 

But life isn’t simple and people aren’t simple. From a detached, safe, secure, bird’s eye view things may seem simple and easy. But life is not lived from a Goodyear blimp angle looking down. We’re in the trenches daily, minute to minute, breath to breath, trying to do our best with what we have. 

To stay busy long enough to earn an escape via entertainment is what many in first-world, capitalist-controlled countries, are incessantly conditioned to believe is what makes for a good life. Carrot and stick. Cheese in the maze. Do your job, earn your treat. Create shareholder value, have a pizza party.

However mental health is declining exponentially with every passing generation. Depression, burnout, and loneliness increased as consistently as the US Stock Market over the past century. Much like economics in America, a small percentage are doing very well while the vast majority suffer due to systemic failure. 

Therefore things like meditation, journaling, yoga, philosophy study, heavy weight training, nature bathing, cold exposure, deep breathing exercises, light therapies, legalized cannabis and hallucinogens, etc. all exponentially move from the fringe to the mainstream with every passing generation. Why? To counteract the systemic failures forced upon them, by the prior generations that seem to become exponentially more; fearful, greedy, and angry with each modicum of increased control and longevity they gain.

What do all the listed above, formerly; fringe, new-age, woo-woo, alternative, holistic, organic, practices have in common? They get a person present, focused, out of their head and into the present moment. Out of the delusion of the undue stress modernity thrusts upon them ad infinitum and into their physical bodies while detaching from their mind activity. They cultivate mental-emotional space, which can help put one in a space of non-doing and non-attachment. 

Cultivating that inner space, between stimulus and response, is how we break the vicious circle of busyness to escapism. Many great philosophers and spiritual teachers of the past and present have talked about this. Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Wim Hof, Tim Ferriss, Ryan Holiday, Mark Manson, etc. 

Breaking that cycle, getting out of or avoiding that trap; is how one builds, one conscious choice at a time, a purpose-driven life. And a purpose-driven life doesn’t mean one tries to save the world or become a monk living on a mountain, or a motivational speaker. It simply means you live your life for you on your terms.

You have the space to get to know yourself, deeply and fully. You can determine your actual values, your actual morals, your actual wants, and your actual needs rather than the ones externally assigned and forced upon you. Then you assemble your ideal life step by step, action by action, choice by choice, day by day. Then, the real work of living begins. 

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